“Let it rain” blasts through my speakers. A cry that I often feel is my heart’s permanent song. A constant yearning of wanting more and being stuck in a waiting period. Waiting for things to happen that are beyond my control, so I say. I often find that I want to blame my circumstances on the various situations around me and never take responsibility for myself. If my marriage has a rough patch, it is David’s fault. If my kids do not want to obey, they are being unreasonable and my demands are not that great. My health, birthing children and thyroid complications have caused my weight issues not food and laziness. Struggling to keep a clean house, living with four other people who move around like tornadoes and the entire house is in their path makes it impossible to clean. My faith, I pray and acknowledge that God exists so why do I not feel close to God? The constant blame game, and I am their favorite contestant.
The songs on the radio have changed. Some are about God’s goodness, some about how we need God, some about how God changes us into something new. “Here in Your presence, we are undone. Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one. Here in Your presence, all things are new.” Another cry that I find deep in my heart, one that I sometimes abandon because the longing and pain are to great to bear at one time. I long to be in the presence of the Lord, and to be made new. I do not want to be the same person that I was yesterday. I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister. I want to be a better athlete and writer. I want to be better at photography. I want to be intellectual and educated.
Even as I type, I find myself thinking of why I can’t be better. Already making excuses for myself, a way out. How quickly I can turn to fat shaming, guilt, doubt, fear, and anxiety. None of these are things that my family wishes on me, nor the way that God says or feels about me. It is hard to make that switch mentally, to reverse years of feeling like a failure at life. Sometimes, the battles in life weigh heavily and the scars run deep. Some are embarrassing, and it feels easier to hide behind my children or just stay home.
“A reckless love too wild to understand, Breathing the world to life in Your romance. So here I am.Your love has got me up in arms again, And this hope won’t let me go. My joy is boundless.My soul knows its worth. In arms stretching wider Than my heart could ever fall.” There it is again, that deep rooted hope and knowledge that no matter how far off the path I may think that I am, God is there. Never abandoned, never called unworthy or put to shame, I am picked back up and put back on the path that is set before me. Sometimes crawling, sometimes walking, sometimes running, and maybe even flying but never quitting.
The healing oil of Jesus soothes my soul and I find rest in presence, knowing that I will be made new. Though I may not be able to make it rain, I can set my posture before the Lord in a way that I will be ready when it does rain. I may not be the best wife and mother, but I will be the best that I can be today so that I will have a foundation to build from. I may not be the strongest lifter, but I can fuel my body properly and lift weights today so that I can be even stronger tomorrow. I am learning that I may not be able to control everything that happens around me, but I can control me and how I respond with hard work and discipline.
So here I am, working on the discipline of writing. I was not sure what would be written in this post, but in the wise words of two important men in my life, “you just have to write something.” I hope that this will only be the beginning of many posts to come. Hang with me as I seek do life as a wife to a pastor, mother to three spunky children, art lover, and my journey to getting healthier. Peace and love!