I normally do not believe that relationship matters should at least initially be put on social media, but today is an exception. I have been involved long term with a quiet relationship that needs to be terminated. I am posting an open letter to the predator in hopes that no one else will fall victim to this predator.
To my long time confidant,
You and I, we have been friends for quite some time. You actually began to get to know me in my early adolescence. You quickly became familiar with all of my habits, both good and bad. I would come to you for acceptance and wait for you to tell me that I was pretty. It was often in your presence that I would determine if I was good enough, or what I needed to change in my own life to be a part of the “it” group.
It all started off seemingly harmless. In my college years, our visits became a little more frequent. I had changed so much, now being a young woman. There were so many cute guys, and I felt as though I was often in the shadows to much prettier, confidant girls. I was the weird girl that went to Wesley and changed out the slides on the projector during worship. The one who was covering her head during prayer meetings instead of being at the local bar taking it all off for someone to notice me. However, after a couple of years at college, someone did notice me. He was wonderful, and drew me away from you. He said that I was beautiful, and wanted to marry me. We were happy, and you no longer existed in my world.
After a few short months of marriage and now a pregnancy, I needed you in my life again. I was unsure, and you were my caliber on how I viewed my worth to other people in my life. Depending on how you viewed me, was how I viewed myself. You were back in my life, and our relationship began to grow toxic.
What seemed so innocent in the beginning has now plagued me for years. You used to tell me that I was beautiful, but now you only remind me of the burdens I bear. In your world I am ugly and gross. Bearing three beautiful children means nothing to you. Battling a thyroid disorder and depression to you means that I am weak. I bought your lies. You are a good salesman. I pushed away the one man who has seen every part of me and still thinks that I am the most beautiful woman he knows. You made me doubt his sincerity and devotion. I became a wallflower, unwilling to engage in parties and gatherings.
You see, Mr. Scale, I let you call me names like “fat”, “ugly”, “unworthy”, “gross”, “horrible”, and “lazy”. I let you define who I was and who I would become. My relationship with you turned from an occasional visit to checking in with you 3 times a day! You decided what I would eat, when I would eat, and it was miserable. But I don’t need you now. Hear me, I DO NOT NEED YOU! You and I are over! I no longer validate myself based off of your findings. I do that now. I may have fat, but I am not fat. I may have days were I want to be lazy, but I am not lazy. My beauty is not defined by what number you show me , nor am I who that number says. I am constantly in a state of change. I have a husband who is wild about me. I have three kids who most days think that I am pretty great. My parents think that I am perfect. 😉 And my brothers think that I am cool. I have friends who like my quirks and don’t find my inappropriate laughing annoying.
Don’t get me wrong, I do care about my health. However, I am finding a new way to measure the gains that I am making. It’s just that you do not reflect the gains I am making with my muscles. You do not celebrate my new PRs, dropping pants sizes, tightening arms and lifting butt. You can’t see how I am getting faster and stronger everyday that I show up to the box. I am happy with who I am becoming. My journey is so far from being over, but God is bringing the right people up beside me to encourage me, motivate, and teach me. As I seek Godly counsel, I will decide my future and how to live it.
So here is me…breaking up with you. Here is to a lifetime of constant evolving, healthy living, and just being me. I do not need you. I do not want you. I am free.
A new, healthier me