As you can imagine, being in ministry is a tough job! In my particular profession (clergy for a year and clergy spouse for 12), we often hear people say, “it must be nice to only work one hour a week” or “you didn’t really go to school, you went to cemetery…I mean seminary.” Usually said in some kind of jest, but definitely with some underlying belief in what was spoken is true. While I’m sure that working one hour a week would be great, or not having to do 90 hours of masters work might sound appealing, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Most pastors work endless amounts of hours, whether it be in the office, on the road, or at home. You see, we never stop thinking about you. We never stop thinking about the World and our call to love it.
Unfortunately, in my profession, we also have a high number of casualties, which can often be our families. We get sent in to love people in difficult places and spaces, and we bring with us many times a family. They are expected to love the places we go, adapt and make new friends, get new jobs, rarely be able to establish a career for themselves, and they do it all for the sake of family. Our job as pastors, is to connect with others, offer discipleship, counsel, marry and bury loved ones, and help you unload your burden. In turn, we keep late hours when called into the hospital, vacations are cut short to do a funeral, weekends only have one day because Sundays are work. We try to maintain boundaries, but life is messy! Spouses are often left as single parents during church activities, but rarely are they treated and cared for in such a way. So in honor of our spouses, to celebrate the ones who walk with us as ministers, here are five things that we want you to know:
Being a pastor’s spouse can be lonely:
I’ve not met a spouse who hasn’t echoed this sentiment in some form or another, even the most outgoing ones. If you are United Methodist in particular, you move often, which means leaving behind friends and family. It takes time to settle into new places, and that can be isolating in itself. It is also lonely because most people don’t want to be actual friends with the pastor’s spouse. We are good shoulders to cry on, offer spiritual advice, but we aren’t good at parties (disclaimer, I know lots of fun spouses!). You see, people seek to be our friends to get information or to dump on us. We make the very best of friends during trials and valleys, but usually it seems that we are not needed for the day to day. So be kind to your pastor’s spouse, invite them over, offer them a safe space to talk and unload their burdens. We all carry them, and we all yearn for a place to connect. Which also mean, we don’t only (if at all) want to “church talk.” We want to talk about our families, hobbies, dreams, what we watch on tv, just shoot the breeze. This isn’t the time to debate your theology, give your thoughts on what should be happening at the church. Being a place for your pastor’s spouse to “not be okay” or to just be, can be so life giving for them and desperately needed.
We ARE NOT your church’s way to get free volunteer services.
This one took me a few years to understand, as I was always happy to help my husband and the church. What I began to realize was that this was an expectation. Why wouldn’t the preacher’s spouse serve the church?! Let me say this, my husband’s call to ministry is not mine. I carry my own unique set of skills and gifts that were placed in me. Sure, sometimes they compliment each other, but this is not a two for one special!! If you are paying someone to do a job, do not expect the spouse to do it for free just because they are present. If you are paying, pay equally.
Make space for us.
Now this may sound like I’m sending mixed signals because I just wrote that we aren’t called to the same thing. That is exactly what I mean!! We are separate people, make space for us to serve as we see fit. If we choose to not support in a visible way but rather at home, make space for that. Be intentional about the relationship that is being created with the pastoral family. Some spouses may not be able to make every Sunday or Bible study, that is OKAY. You are not paying them to be there! I get that a lot of people like to see the entire family present, but that is an unrealistic expectation…unless you are willing to be at everything too.
Our children ARE NOT perfect.
I’ll never forget sassing my mother in front of a church member. I was about 10 years old (a pastor’s child myself) and they were quick to let me know how much my behavior surprised them. I will never forget that feeling of embarrassment and shame. Our children are not going to be perfect. We are highly aware of how many children walk away from the faith as adults. Let me tell you, it is more from seeing their parents abused in ministry than it is from any misguided direction from their parents. They see the way we are spoken to. They hear how quickly we are criticized, but rarely do they see how we are loved. So help remove the stigma by not saying, “well you know how preachers’ kids can be.” Because yes, we do, and we know how any other child can be…bossy, aggravating, disobedient, rebellious, etc. We also know that they can be the first to offer a prayer, sit with strangers, make new friends, offer compassion, and give grace.
We ARE NOT your personal Google Search Engine for all things church and private ear to the pastor.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone call or text to ask a question about a church event. I don’t mind answering questions with people that I am in relationship with, but if I haven’t heard from you in a month, consult our website for your church information. Better yet, call the front office, we have paid administrative assistants for that!! Some people think that an inroad to the pastor is through their spouse. This is wrong. It is manipulative and abusive of the relationship. It is triangulation of the pastor, the spouse and the church. If you want to speak or know what the pastor is thinking, then ask them. Most spouses are there to be a support and good partner. You wouldn’t call a doctor’s spouse to speak to the doctor, so treat the relationship with the same care. Also, if you don’t tell your doctor, lawyer, teacher, how to do their job, then maybe reevaluate before you tell the pastor how to do theirs..or their spouse.
BUT what we REALLY want you to know is that we love and care for the church. Despite the loneliness we feel, despite the really hurtful people, despite it all, we still love you. We lay you at the foot of the cross every day. We fight for your peace, for your comfort, for your families all in the prayer room. We desire for you to be fully known by God and to be confident in who you were called and created to be. We carry the burden with our spouse.
Jessica Blackwood 